When Are You Having A Baby?

I want to preface this by stating that I am in no way upset, annoyed, or angry with anyone who has asked me this question in the past. I just feel it's time to speak out.

I have contemplated writing about this for a few months now and this past weekend really solidified my decision. Zach & I have been married for almost two years and I have lost count how many times we have been asked the baby question. I usually don't answer and laugh it off. As soon as we said I do, it was like an open invitation for everyone to ask that. In all honesty, I completely understand because I saw people I don't normally get to see and they were genuinely curious about our life plans. It was an exciting time! & the thought of future babies is also exciting.

I have to admit, I have asked the question too.

I now do my best to refrain from asking this question because I have learned through my own journey that sometimes the situation just isn't going as planned.

Here's my story:

In 2015, I had been having horrible menstrual cramps. This had been going on for a few years leading up to this point. The pain was so bad that it would land me in the E.R. if I didn't pass out before I could make a phone call, especially if I was by myself. I had been working with my PCP & my OBGYN but they couldn't give me a concrete answer as to what was going on with my body. In fact, the only real advice they gave (if you can even call it advice) was to get pregnant because they were convinced that my body needed a reset. I understand the theory behind the idea, but Zach & I lived in two different states and had only been dating a few months. I was not going to get pregnant just avoid monthly pain. However, when the episodes came around I would second guess that decision. lol

Once we got engaged in 2017 we tossed around the idea of getting pregnant before our marriage, but in all honesty, neither of us was ready. I can't tell you how many times we went back and forth. One of us would be completely on board while the other had just jumped ship. The following week, it would be the opposite. We finally decided we would wait until after the wedding.

After our wedding followed so much chaos. We began trying to conceive but that was short-lived. I swear the Universe was going out of its way to make sure it didn't happen. While my menstrual cramps dissipated other issues came to life. I had pinpointed that my heart was not beating normally. My doctor could hear it in the stethoscope and saw it on the EKG. That was the first of many tests and doctor appointments these last two years.

If you want a more in-depth story please be sure to check out my very first blog post "Two Tools That Helped Me Get My Sh*t Together".

After meeting with my cardiologist he gave me three options:

• OPTION 1: We could monitor my situation every 3-6 months. That meant routine EKGs, Holter monitor tests, and doctor visits (which isn't cheap). Also, if you have never been told there is something medically wrong with you, you may have a hard time understanding that all of those tests & appointments would have caused added anxiety and stress.

He said this decision really depended on my quality of life. Looking back, my quality of life was poor. I didn't realize it at the time because I was so used to how I always felt. Which is why I was highly considering this option.

I was always tired, winded easily, often dizzy, and stressed out.

I told him that we wanted to start a family soon and he made me aware that pregnancy could most likely make my condition worse. At that point, I would be forced to take medication to control it.

Okay, so let's take a look at option 2.

• OPTION2: I could start taking medication. If we decided to monitor & got pregnant I would get put on medication anyway.

Personally, I didn't want to rely on medication. I refused to take birth control because it messed with my body so much. Ironically, the rules of taking the heart medication were similar to that of birth control because I would have needed to take it at the same time each day. The side-effects of the medication were also long, not to mention that none of the options were recommended to take while pregnant.

What? He just said if my condition worsened while pregnant I wouldn't have a choice but to take the medication. Not ideal.

• OPTION 3: Heart ablation surgery.

Obviously, I went with option 3 and had the surgery within a few months which in turn postponed starting our family.

The plan was to heal & then prep my body with healthy food & exercise before trying to conceive. This went as planned for a few weeks before I forced to go back into surgery for an unrelated event. Postponed again.

It is now 2020. We are adjusting to our new home and all that entails.

• bills.

• Garage doors breaking and falling on our truck. (only one door landed on our truck)

• not one, not two but three toilets breaking & needing to be replaced.

• our cats were still adjusting to the move & acting out (peeing on our living room carpet)

Believe it or not, we were stressed out & were still considering starting our family. Thankfully, my aunt had been staying with us for a few weeks and could feel the tension. She gave us the best advice.

"Take this time to adjust to your new home and enjoy each other because you have had a rough year that also happened to be your first year of marriage. Take some time to just enjoy each other. After you start your family, it will never be just the two of you again."

Shortly after, the pandemic hit and we were forced to stay home together for almost two months. While the pandemic is a terrible circumstance, our staycation was exactly what we needed.

Believe it or not, there was one more delay. In May I found out that I have a 22% risk of getting breast cancer given my history. This is a high risk so my doctor recommended a breast MRI to get a baseline in case any changes should occur in my future. I head to the Cleveland Clinic on Thursday. Wish me luck.

If you've asked me that question in the past now you know why I would just laugh it off. It's a lot of information that I was still digesting. It has also been a lot more work than I ever imagined preparing my body for pregnancy.

This is just my story. Everyone has their own & they may not be comfortable talking about it in person. Just keep in mind that everyone has their own battles. I don't know if it's alright to ask that question. I think it most definitely depends on your relationship with them.

My advice is to try to be mindful, compassionate & ready to hear the heavy truth if you are curious.

If you have had any kind of struggle trying to conceive and feel the need to share your story you can email erikka.alwayswillow@gmail.com or DM on Instagram @always_willow

Until next Tuesday enjoy this beautiful picture of my niece.

Always,

Erikka